I am feeling each day is a little deeper in a failure with this ongoing battle with this Monster of mine. He is such an ugly beast.
You know I keep rolling around the song lyrics that are way too fitting for me today to parts of a John Denver song.
"Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.
Some times the hard times won't leave me alone. "(My Monster)
"Some times the cold wind chills in my bones."
(Some times the monster makes misery in my bones)
He is slowly but surely taking back my life no matter what steps I have done and continue to try to do to fight.
The harder I seem to fight and work and try new tactics, the scales of the weight of this monster are taking over once again.
I took such drastic measures just over 2 yrs ago, to try to gain a really supurb tool to help me fight this beast. And was winning. Until the "newleywed" phase of that was over, then the work had to begin.
The real work of my tool of Rny had done its part now my turn to do my part and fight, fight, and work work, each step each bite being causiously thought out.
But to no avail, today, I crossed the +20 mark.
OMG!
20 lbs of regain!
I am working so hard each day on all sorts of directions to make sure I am getting the maximum amounts of calories burned in a variety of ways, watching each and every bite - protein - carb - liquids I put into my body are carefully considered.
I pray, I eat, I care for, I try to sleep, then the next day I start all over with: I pray, I eat, I care for, I move more.
I could and would be kicking my own monster self if I was eating things I shouldn't!
But I even track my lil no'no's just to try to reach the minimum 1000 calorie intake a day!
Spoke with the weight loss surgery team's nutritionist a couple of weeks ago, she even agreed with my typical day - to not be a reasonable explanation to it and to try something different and increase my carbs a bit.
So I did and I think didn't help any. :(*
I invested in a fitbit to stay on track and motivation help with gettting more movement in my day as most days I am not even out of my yard.
I have stopped any medications that can possibly contribute to any type of stress controlling that might be causing slowing of metabolism. (which since stopping is probably adds to the reason for the pitty party)
And I do also, realize as tears drip onto my keyboard as I type this, that I am doing NONE of them great, probably not even considered well.
This is day 3 of a terrible allergy gone wild making it totally miserable head, nauseous time which I know probably another reason to feel so down with this.
The old saying - muscle weighs more than fat - well, think about that.
NOT true.
Hopefully somehwere in my body a bit of muscle is forming.
But since working out steadily I have now gained 4 lbs and not changed one single bite of food except for really trying to reach my goal of 1000 cal a day.
Hard for me to do! I have one thing on my side (so far) that,
shhhhh (lets speak of very softly as my monster doesn't know I don't have much of any real hunger yet, just head hunger)
Back to just totally freaking my butt out with this weight thing.
Suppose to eat right, watch what you eat, drink liquids and LOSE 1-2 lbs a week.
I have done the TOTAL opposite!
Having once again, to do some re-evaluation to see how and what is and is NOT working.
Obviously, the progress is NOT working. Now how to change it.
Obviously another things is wipe that monster face, and pull up those big girl panties and get my butt busy even more.
I think I am going to begin, once again, to do the all liquids a couple of days to maybe jump start something, anything in the other direction!
Then we will see.
Surely won't be even worse! Praying anyway!
If this keeps up - I will be right back to the fat - miserable high blood pressured, type 2 diabetic taking all sorts of meds, and insulin shots just to get through one more day of misery that My Monster of me is going to become again.
Damit!
It's not to stop!!
I have GOT to find some sort of answer here.
I keep praying!
And I keep working!
And I keep tracking!
And I pray some more!
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