Panic pitty party time

Excuse my Pitty party time I guess.  

I am feeling each day is a little deeper in a failure with this ongoing battle with this Monster of mine.  He is such an ugly beast.

You know I keep rolling around the song lyrics that are way too fitting for me today to parts of a John Denver song.  

"Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.
Some times the hard times won't leave me alone. "(My Monster)
"Some times the cold wind chills in my bones."
(Some times the monster makes misery in my bones)

He is slowly but surely taking back my life no matter what steps I have done and continue to try to do to fight.

The harder I seem to fight and work and try new tactics, the scales of the weight of this monster are taking over once again.  

I took such drastic measures just over 2 yrs ago, to try to gain a really supurb tool to help me fight this beast.  And was winning.  Until the "newleywed" phase of that was over, then the work had to begin. 

The real work of my tool of Rny had done its part now my turn to do my part and fight, fight, and work work, each step each bite being causiously thought out.  

But to no avail, today, I crossed the +20 mark.

OMG!  

20 lbs of regain!  

Once again my blood pressure is starting to rise, my aches and pains of the weight are returning able to sleep less and less and only a matter of time and the big ugly Type 2 "D" will begin to rear it's vicious head again.

I am working so hard each day on all sorts of directions to make sure I am getting the maximum amounts of calories burned in a variety of ways, watching each and every bite - protein - carb - liquids I put into my body are carefully considered.

I pray, I eat, I care for, I try to sleep, then the next day I start all over with:  I pray, I eat, I care for, I move more.

I could and would be kicking my own monster self if I was eating things I shouldn't!  

But I even track my lil no'no's just to try to reach the minimum 1000 calorie intake a day!

Spoke with the weight loss surgery team's nutritionist a couple of weeks ago, she even agreed with my typical day - to not be a reasonable explanation to it and to try something different and increase my carbs a bit.  

So I did and I think didn't help any.  :(*

I invested in a fitbit to stay on track and motivation help with gettting more movement in my day as most days I am not even out of my yard.

I have stopped any medications that can possibly contribute to any type of stress controlling that might be causing slowing of metabolism.  (which since stopping is probably adds to the reason for the pitty party)

And I do also, realize as tears drip onto my keyboard as I type this, that I am doing NONE of them great, probably not even considered well.

This is day 3 of a terrible allergy gone wild making it totally miserable head, nauseous time which I know probably another reason to feel so down with this.

The old saying - muscle weighs more than fat - well, think about that.  

NOT true.  

Hopefully somehwere in my body a bit of muscle is forming.  

But since working out steadily I have now gained 4 lbs and not changed one single bite of food except for really trying to reach my goal of 1000 cal a day. 

Hard for me to do!  I have one thing on my side (so far) that, 

shhhhh  (lets speak of very softly as my monster doesn't know I don't have much of any real hunger yet, just head hunger)

Back to just totally freaking my butt out with this weight thing.  

Suppose to eat right, watch what you eat, drink liquids and LOSE 1-2 lbs a week. 

I have done the TOTAL opposite!  

Having once again, to do some re-evaluation to see how and what is and is NOT working.  

Obviously, the progress is NOT working. Now how to change it.

Obviously another things is wipe that monster face, and pull up those big girl panties and get my butt busy even more.

I think I am going to begin, once again, to do the all liquids a couple of days to maybe jump start something, anything in the other direction!
Then we will see.  

Surely won't be even worse!  Praying anyway!

If this keeps up - I will be right back to the fat - miserable high blood pressured,  type 2 diabetic taking all sorts of meds, and insulin shots just to get through one more day of misery that My Monster of me is going to become again.  

Damit!  

It's not to stop!!  

I have GOT to find some sort of answer here.  

I keep praying!  

And I keep working!

And I keep tracking!

And I pray some more!

Playing blog catch up

Wowza.  I didn't realize just how long it had been since I was on My Monster blog.  
So . . .  to do some catching up.

This month (February 2016) marks 2 yrs since I had my gastric bypass surgery, RNY.  
It's been an interesting journey which has been so very successful in getting enough weight off that I have NO need for any diabetic medicines, including shots, NO blood pressure meds, (although some days around here I need a chill pill.  Eek!  <80  ( that is suppose to be me freaking with a pointy hat. lol!)

I feel so extremely fortunate to be successful in my choices and the support I have through all of this.

I had my 2 yr mark checkup with my Bariatric dr, which anyone who meets this guy would instantly like his fun personality and his main nurse also.  So extremely helpful and so supportive.

At my weigh in, I was totally straight with him and yes, I have seriously slipped and gained some back.    My dr was not too concerned about it as most people do have a bit of regain when their body settles from the surgery and rapid weight loss.  
Also, he did agree with the med I had been taking the past several months, is a super slower downer. (lol) of the metabolism.   

He said to not worry, just go back to basics of which I keep so very simple anyway, and I am perhaps fortunate that my lil "pouchie poo" is pretty particular and I don't very too much with the foods.

Also, I am very fortunate that my appetite hasn't returned yet.  Practically all is only head hunger.  And still habits from associations creep in from time to time.  

I still have a challenge many days, to make sure to get up to the 1000 calorie mark with appropriate foods, that I should be doing.  

After several times checking with "Mrs Google" she keeps stating if one eats too little, the body can stay in survive type mode. Guess that might be part of the problem too.

But to be totally honest with this, I am very quick to point out though, to myself that I have GOT to move MORE.  
What's that commercial say about a body in motion stays in motion and a body who doesn't wont.

Well, that's my new philosophy.   

Move move and move some more.

Track track and track some more.  

Every bite - every sip write it before you bite or drink it!

I keep reminding myself I have come way too far to slip back again.  I will NOT let this monster back in my life!

So, now back to the basics.  And proof that surgery only allows us with an extra tool, not a cure!

Easy, heck no!  One of the several hardest things I have ever done in my life.

But worth it - heck yes.  We all have heard so many times, age is an enemy in a way to controlling weight. Our body naturally slows down as it ages. Makes sense.

Ok, the basics of "after surgery" life. 

#1 - Focus on protein - protein and more protein.  Lean protein that is.  For me - I rely a lot on protein drinks.  Probably too much is a bit of my problem also.  Body doesn't have to work as hard with a liquid as it does something to break down.  So, I will try eating more protein here and there and perhaps a bit less on the shakes.

#2 - MOVE!  
No matter how much, any movement is some!

So - to start the motivation, I have heard a lot about Fitbit being all the rage for tracking movement.  

Perfect - got it ordered and received a couple of days ago.  
Totally love gadgetry.  Lol!

I am quickly reminded of the same sort of idea to price matching/couponing idea with this new gadget. #1 thing - Awareness!  Key!!

I could watch every single drink and bite carefully, BUT - gotta move.  Move Move Move!

Not just a stroll, but also need the higher heart rate/fat burning moving and for hopefully over time, be able to do it for a longer peroid of time.

Well . . . I just sort of rocked another 1st time for me.

I have wanted to do zumba forever, but am not very coordinated at all - :P

And keep coming up with reasons not to get to classes, which much of the time is a challenge.A while back, I picked up a beginner instructional type Zumba dvd, and when I finally found out where I put it.

Guessing it was a bad day so me and my monster hid it well. :P)  

The dvd was even still sealed. 

So, I fixed a glass of kiwi strawberry Propel water and I not only opened the wrapper, but I also went as far as putting it into the dvd player and . . .

wait for it . . . .

I actually DID my first ever Zumba program.

I survived the tutorial/101/beginner type program. yay! lol!

Not that it was at all pretty. I was waiting for a knock on the door from officials to tell me to close the blinds. :0

It was an instructional/beginner intro at first, then onto a somewhat simple workout, but geez, my legs were jelly. I have a LONG way to go!

Lol!  

I will try to check back tomorrow and see if I can roll out of bed. - And this was jjust the beginner instructional type. Lol!

So, lessons learned and conquered today - 1st step into serious cardio work. Which we all need to do more and more.

I am thinking of the old phrase we all have heard way too many times but don't live by,

We all need to eat to live - not live to eat!

Take care and God bless and stay safe out there.

To my monster

Well, well Mr Monster.

It's been a while since I stopped by here to have a bit of a chat with you.  

I know it' been an up and down road the past (almost) 6 wks but I feel like 

you are grip is just a little more lose on me.  

I know at times I  have to still buckle under the pressure of this new little tool in my 
arsenal especially when you throw a curve ball of being sick.  

You will do just about anything won't you.  Even cheat like that.

Well, I went to see my newest allies yesterday, and we re-evaluated our progress 
so far and have even a tougher plan in the works for this war with you.

Yes, I know you have had such a tough hold on me for so many years, but enough.  
Enough with the foods that I am not suppose to have and would buckle under the 
bullying peer pressure from tv, society, nerves, boredom, etc.

It's MY time.  I am taking it back!  Taking my life back under my control!

It's only a small matter of time, a it's a slow, daily stragegic process 
and with all healed and tolerances built back up . . . . 

You are NOW on notice!!!  I'm coming for you!!

Thursday, January 11th, - 4 days left

Counting down the days.

Come on Monster - 

I'm about to have reinforcements 

to help me kick your butt!!!!

As of today, only 4 more days, till my life - our lives forever!  
My surgery is scheduled to take place at 11 am Monday morning in Little Rockat Baptist Medical Center.

My life will sort of start all over again with a whole new angle and lifestyle.  I am so very ready.  I have been pumping myself up a lot for this!

I am soooo ready to toss those insulin shots into a tree as hard as I can and then stomp them also.  

Will also be so very nice to be taking Vitamins (even if it might be several) that will help my body not polute it with medicine that helps one thing, but hurts others.

Today marks day 11 of the 14 days of Liquid diet that was given to me by Dr. Off and on times it's not fun at all and really tough, but it's so normal now, I think I have it made the rest of the time.

And on a very inspiring note, I started on it weighing 217.8
As of this morning - I weigh 209.2!  Yes my dear - single twenties. Woo Hoo to that.  

I have also been working on trying to get everything in order.  Larry will be with me of course.  He's not allowed to leave. lol!  Perhaps to go to cafeteria to eat once in a while.  haha!

Ashley is taking the week off from work and staying here with Haylee, and our aide for mom will be here during the days.
So think the people are handled.  :P

I have saved leftovers here and there so that Larry doesn't really have to cook all that much although he is actually a good cook.

I finished up shopping (I think) with regular price matching stuff, and stocking for them also.

I have all my liquid vitamins and other vitamins, shake mixes, etc all purchased and ready to go also.

There is so much to it over all, but with anything, it will be overwhelming at first, but later be fine.

I even got me a new simple gown to wear hopefully the second day out so it will be sort of normal feeling.

Hair trimmed up, and as my sweetie suggested to make me feel better about this - got new mani w nails and pedi also.  Love that!
and Love that man of mine.

I know I am going to soon start the nervous part of all of this - but for now - I am just counting the days and trying to think ahead of anything to make things easier for all the people involved in this.

I plan on just trying to nap.  lol!  I know they are going to have to see me walk and I am going to do my darnest to do so.  But nap in between times.  :p

I am scheduled on Monday and should be home on Wednesday - some time during the day.  

And of all things, the weather is calling for snow or at least wintery stuff off and on starting Sunday night till Tues night.  Ugg.

Would be sort of cool to see some flurries while there, but not knowing it's on the roads.  Oh well, just hope Doc is spending the night as he and his associates have 4 of us to work on.  lol!

I met a couple of great girls at our Dietian meeting.  Some of us had a chance to exchange phone numbers to text.  What a hoot.

I guess tata for now.  Signing off until next time.

February 1st (surgery month) is finally here.

Seems like I have been waiting forever for this new month to arrive.  I first began this process just before Thanksgiving and had to put it off for a bit to get all the ducks in a row.

And so finally. . .  OMG it is here.  I am 36 hrs from surgery.

I have officially lost 10 lbs so far on the 2 weeks I have been on the required liquid type diet.  Have done extremely better than I thought it would be.

Now we have one other issue to work through.
The weather.
The forcast is calling for a bit of a mess on the day we have to travel to Little Rock for checkin and surgery, and again on the day we are to be released and travel back home.

Interesting!

Hopefully it won't be as bad as they are suggesting to be. Number one in this step is to get Ashley here.  She is coming tomorrow to go over stuff easier before we leave Monday morning. 
But the weather is going to be an issue for that too.  She has decided to come much earlier in the day so she can avoid some of it.
We do have a 4-wheel drive truck that can possibly do better to get us to Little Rock.  But may be a problem for me to get into once I am ready leave the hospital.  

So keeping fingers crossed and eyes on the weather - greatly anticipating the hours clicking by to head to start my new beginning.

One more week to go!

Oh yay, eek!

One week from right now I will be checking in to the hospital to begin the process to transform
my life from here on. So excited and anxious.  Not nervous yet.  Probably once I get in there I will be
but I am so very determined.

I had an almost mishap yesterday with food.  And such an odd one.  You know how you go to get something and grab this or that and not really thinking, well, while making mac & cheese for my
family for dinner, I was slicing some Velvetta to put into a bowl to soften for it.
Before I knew it, it was almost in my mouth.  YIKES!!  I quickly put it down then nearly
cried because of wanting some so very bad.  Such an odd thing.  Ever since my daughter,
Ashley was little, when we would slice it to use, I would always holler for her and we would
have a slice (or two lol).  But  . . . I will have it again.  Just a taste here and there, but a taste
is all that it actually lasts anyway.

You know the old saying that's been around forever - a moment on the lips - forever on the hips!

I am thinking, touch your tongue with a lick of something, and enjoy, but only swallow what's
healthy.  lol!  Some things you can do that with and some have to be devowered.  lol!

Day 6 - moving right along with this pre-op step

Today is day 6 of my 2 wk. pre-op liquid step part of the program.
So hard to believe I have actually made it for this many days in a row without even a nibble.

Tomorrow actually makes it the 1/2 way mark on this first step of the program.  So excited.
Tuesday I will be meeting with the nutritionist with loads of questions and have my hospital
blood work done, then just a matter of waiting till the next Monday for surgery.

I had a pretty miserable day yesterday for most of the day.  My stomach was not wanting to 
cooperate.  I remembered later on, that just about every senerio, websites and facebook pages
on this subjects, says drink more.  

So I downed a couple of glasses of peach tea and water sips in the next hour or so, and it
actually did help.  Perhaps a mind thing too, but I felt better by about 4 or so.

I weighed this morning when I got up and so far in 5 days I have lost 7.5 lbs.  Woo Hoo!
That puts me at 210.4  
Nothing like loosing a bit to make it more motivational.  :)

I have been trying a few new mixtures of this and that so maybe I won't get too bored
with and to find out what I might be open to since cutting out all the other stuff available.

I have actually gotten to the point I like V8 veggie juice.  Not much at a time, but 
beginning to be pretty tasty.  I usually have about 4 oz just before I have my protein
shake so that I feel like that's dinner and the protein shake is dessert.  lol!  I know
it sounds silly.  It's my mind game.  

Today I was reading again for the upteenth time on my list of things I can have,
and it states that I can have oatmeal, grits, and cream of wheat.
Never really cared for oatmeal texture, but after jellos and shakes, might
be worth a try.
I blended the oatmeal so it would be more ground up, then added some splenda and 
cinnamon and fat free milk.  Oh Yumm!!!  Nice and warm something for the tummy.
It was a very happy tummy!

I also added a bit of the chocolate flavored protein shake to it which was even better!!

After that, I made up some banana cream pudding (sf) and thought  it would be an
interesting idea to try puree'ing a banana and adding to it.

Note to self:  pudding doesn't work as well with puree'd stuff added at the beginning.
And although pretty tasty even though runny, tummy didin't like it!!

As we wrap up day 6, my tummy is about to settle from the banana pudding fiasco,
and I still have a protein shake to go before bed.  Then on to day 7.