Panic pitty party time

Excuse my Pitty party time I guess.  

I am feeling each day is a little deeper in a failure with this ongoing battle with this Monster of mine.  He is such an ugly beast.

You know I keep rolling around the song lyrics that are way too fitting for me today to parts of a John Denver song.  

"Some days are diamonds, some days are stones.
Some times the hard times won't leave me alone. "(My Monster)
"Some times the cold wind chills in my bones."
(Some times the monster makes misery in my bones)

He is slowly but surely taking back my life no matter what steps I have done and continue to try to do to fight.

The harder I seem to fight and work and try new tactics, the scales of the weight of this monster are taking over once again.  

I took such drastic measures just over 2 yrs ago, to try to gain a really supurb tool to help me fight this beast.  And was winning.  Until the "newleywed" phase of that was over, then the work had to begin. 

The real work of my tool of Rny had done its part now my turn to do my part and fight, fight, and work work, each step each bite being causiously thought out.  

But to no avail, today, I crossed the +20 mark.

OMG!  

20 lbs of regain!  

Once again my blood pressure is starting to rise, my aches and pains of the weight are returning able to sleep less and less and only a matter of time and the big ugly Type 2 "D" will begin to rear it's vicious head again.

I am working so hard each day on all sorts of directions to make sure I am getting the maximum amounts of calories burned in a variety of ways, watching each and every bite - protein - carb - liquids I put into my body are carefully considered.

I pray, I eat, I care for, I try to sleep, then the next day I start all over with:  I pray, I eat, I care for, I move more.

I could and would be kicking my own monster self if I was eating things I shouldn't!  

But I even track my lil no'no's just to try to reach the minimum 1000 calorie intake a day!

Spoke with the weight loss surgery team's nutritionist a couple of weeks ago, she even agreed with my typical day - to not be a reasonable explanation to it and to try something different and increase my carbs a bit.  

So I did and I think didn't help any.  :(*

I invested in a fitbit to stay on track and motivation help with gettting more movement in my day as most days I am not even out of my yard.

I have stopped any medications that can possibly contribute to any type of stress controlling that might be causing slowing of metabolism.  (which since stopping is probably adds to the reason for the pitty party)

And I do also, realize as tears drip onto my keyboard as I type this, that I am doing NONE of them great, probably not even considered well.

This is day 3 of a terrible allergy gone wild making it totally miserable head, nauseous time which I know probably another reason to feel so down with this.

The old saying - muscle weighs more than fat - well, think about that.  

NOT true.  

Hopefully somehwere in my body a bit of muscle is forming.  

But since working out steadily I have now gained 4 lbs and not changed one single bite of food except for really trying to reach my goal of 1000 cal a day. 

Hard for me to do!  I have one thing on my side (so far) that, 

shhhhh  (lets speak of very softly as my monster doesn't know I don't have much of any real hunger yet, just head hunger)

Back to just totally freaking my butt out with this weight thing.  

Suppose to eat right, watch what you eat, drink liquids and LOSE 1-2 lbs a week. 

I have done the TOTAL opposite!  

Having once again, to do some re-evaluation to see how and what is and is NOT working.  

Obviously, the progress is NOT working. Now how to change it.

Obviously another things is wipe that monster face, and pull up those big girl panties and get my butt busy even more.

I think I am going to begin, once again, to do the all liquids a couple of days to maybe jump start something, anything in the other direction!
Then we will see.  

Surely won't be even worse!  Praying anyway!

If this keeps up - I will be right back to the fat - miserable high blood pressured,  type 2 diabetic taking all sorts of meds, and insulin shots just to get through one more day of misery that My Monster of me is going to become again.  

Damit!  

It's not to stop!!  

I have GOT to find some sort of answer here.  

I keep praying!  

And I keep working!

And I keep tracking!

And I pray some more!

To my monster

Well, well Mr Monster.

It's been a while since I stopped by here to have a bit of a chat with you.  

I know it' been an up and down road the past (almost) 6 wks but I feel like 

you are grip is just a little more lose on me.  

I know at times I  have to still buckle under the pressure of this new little tool in my 
arsenal especially when you throw a curve ball of being sick.  

You will do just about anything won't you.  Even cheat like that.

Well, I went to see my newest allies yesterday, and we re-evaluated our progress 
so far and have even a tougher plan in the works for this war with you.

Yes, I know you have had such a tough hold on me for so many years, but enough.  
Enough with the foods that I am not suppose to have and would buckle under the 
bullying peer pressure from tv, society, nerves, boredom, etc.

It's MY time.  I am taking it back!  Taking my life back under my control!

It's only a small matter of time, a it's a slow, daily stragegic process 
and with all healed and tolerances built back up . . . . 

You are NOW on notice!!!  I'm coming for you!!

My rant on weight loss surgery being cheating

I have hooked up with a couple of Facebookpages and are gaining some great friends that have had weight loss surgeries of all different types.  

I am so saddened and disgusted when I see many posts on these pages that people always accuse them of cheating by having this surgery.   

I think it's pretty dam sad that one has to make fun of another for succeeding in whatever way possible to lose this weight and win the battles against food and ALL of the health disease issues that come along with it just to justify themselves for not doing something about it.  

In doing this, have we really outgrown the school days of bullying one because they have something different than us? We fuss about so much bullying going on in our schools with our youth's today.  What about ourselves????????

Since, following through with my extremely thoroughly investigated decision to try to get a grip on my own health, by having the gastric bypass surgery instead of loosing battle I was not winning with the diabetes and facing insulin dependency, along with all of the sad and terrible ongoing things that are associated with this terrible diabetic society.

I am not usually one that uses non-nice language on here, in this case, I really need to!

So to whomever says it's the easy way out - Bullshit!  and try it if you think it's easy.  

Would you consider, having to be careful with absolutely every single choice of bite you take, size and what it is along with every single sip you take in?

If each and every bite and sip are not just right, I am in pain and totally miserable for a bit that makes that tiny sip or tiny bite soooo NOT worth it!

My stomach pouch is now my extremely strict Sergeant with arms that will put me on my knees if it doesn't approve.

Counting each toward each and every protein you are suppose to carefully get along with each and every vitamin I will be continually be changing according to what I am low on, for the rest of my life also.

I cannot have a choice to cheat for that meal, that bite or that drink!!!!!

This surgery is a TOOL!  A tool that can be used or abused.  I have one shot at using this tool to my health benefit my personal life quality and expectency.

Many are younger, more active, ability, etc, and so with that, you have a tool of advantage.  So we are not so unequal after all.

I don't challenge anyone to just lose the weight.  I challenge each and everyone to GET HEALTHY!  

Yes I am succeeding, but it's a lifelong decision that can't be undone like dropping of a diet for a meal, or a day or an impulse or splurge.

It's something that affects my family as much as myself.
Which I have the most fab family and friends that is all for this, seeing what the alternative of not doing anything is doing to me/us.  

Many people who have made this decision of surgery, have even lost many life long and close friends, and family members due to their choice.

It would break my heart for that to happen as we never have enough people in our lives anyway.  But so be it if that be necessary.

My life - my health, and my immediate family are the people I am answering to.  And my God.  That's it.  

Thursday, January 11th, - 4 days left

Counting down the days.

Come on Monster - 

I'm about to have reinforcements 

to help me kick your butt!!!!

As of today, only 4 more days, till my life - our lives forever!  
My surgery is scheduled to take place at 11 am Monday morning in Little Rockat Baptist Medical Center.

My life will sort of start all over again with a whole new angle and lifestyle.  I am so very ready.  I have been pumping myself up a lot for this!

I am soooo ready to toss those insulin shots into a tree as hard as I can and then stomp them also.  

Will also be so very nice to be taking Vitamins (even if it might be several) that will help my body not polute it with medicine that helps one thing, but hurts others.

Today marks day 11 of the 14 days of Liquid diet that was given to me by Dr. Off and on times it's not fun at all and really tough, but it's so normal now, I think I have it made the rest of the time.

And on a very inspiring note, I started on it weighing 217.8
As of this morning - I weigh 209.2!  Yes my dear - single twenties. Woo Hoo to that.  

I have also been working on trying to get everything in order.  Larry will be with me of course.  He's not allowed to leave. lol!  Perhaps to go to cafeteria to eat once in a while.  haha!

Ashley is taking the week off from work and staying here with Haylee, and our aide for mom will be here during the days.
So think the people are handled.  :P

I have saved leftovers here and there so that Larry doesn't really have to cook all that much although he is actually a good cook.

I finished up shopping (I think) with regular price matching stuff, and stocking for them also.

I have all my liquid vitamins and other vitamins, shake mixes, etc all purchased and ready to go also.

There is so much to it over all, but with anything, it will be overwhelming at first, but later be fine.

I even got me a new simple gown to wear hopefully the second day out so it will be sort of normal feeling.

Hair trimmed up, and as my sweetie suggested to make me feel better about this - got new mani w nails and pedi also.  Love that!
and Love that man of mine.

I know I am going to soon start the nervous part of all of this - but for now - I am just counting the days and trying to think ahead of anything to make things easier for all the people involved in this.

I plan on just trying to nap.  lol!  I know they are going to have to see me walk and I am going to do my darnest to do so.  But nap in between times.  :p

I am scheduled on Monday and should be home on Wednesday - some time during the day.  

And of all things, the weather is calling for snow or at least wintery stuff off and on starting Sunday night till Tues night.  Ugg.

Would be sort of cool to see some flurries while there, but not knowing it's on the roads.  Oh well, just hope Doc is spending the night as he and his associates have 4 of us to work on.  lol!

I met a couple of great girls at our Dietian meeting.  Some of us had a chance to exchange phone numbers to text.  What a hoot.

I guess tata for now.  Signing off until next time.

February 1st (surgery month) is finally here.

Seems like I have been waiting forever for this new month to arrive.  I first began this process just before Thanksgiving and had to put it off for a bit to get all the ducks in a row.

And so finally. . .  OMG it is here.  I am 36 hrs from surgery.

I have officially lost 10 lbs so far on the 2 weeks I have been on the required liquid type diet.  Have done extremely better than I thought it would be.

Now we have one other issue to work through.
The weather.
The forcast is calling for a bit of a mess on the day we have to travel to Little Rock for checkin and surgery, and again on the day we are to be released and travel back home.

Interesting!

Hopefully it won't be as bad as they are suggesting to be. Number one in this step is to get Ashley here.  She is coming tomorrow to go over stuff easier before we leave Monday morning. 
But the weather is going to be an issue for that too.  She has decided to come much earlier in the day so she can avoid some of it.
We do have a 4-wheel drive truck that can possibly do better to get us to Little Rock.  But may be a problem for me to get into once I am ready leave the hospital.  

So keeping fingers crossed and eyes on the weather - greatly anticipating the hours clicking by to head to start my new beginning.

One more week to go!

Oh yay, eek!

One week from right now I will be checking in to the hospital to begin the process to transform
my life from here on. So excited and anxious.  Not nervous yet.  Probably once I get in there I will be
but I am so very determined.

I had an almost mishap yesterday with food.  And such an odd one.  You know how you go to get something and grab this or that and not really thinking, well, while making mac & cheese for my
family for dinner, I was slicing some Velvetta to put into a bowl to soften for it.
Before I knew it, it was almost in my mouth.  YIKES!!  I quickly put it down then nearly
cried because of wanting some so very bad.  Such an odd thing.  Ever since my daughter,
Ashley was little, when we would slice it to use, I would always holler for her and we would
have a slice (or two lol).  But  . . . I will have it again.  Just a taste here and there, but a taste
is all that it actually lasts anyway.

You know the old saying that's been around forever - a moment on the lips - forever on the hips!

I am thinking, touch your tongue with a lick of something, and enjoy, but only swallow what's
healthy.  lol!  Some things you can do that with and some have to be devowered.  lol!

Day 6 - moving right along with this pre-op step

Today is day 6 of my 2 wk. pre-op liquid step part of the program.
So hard to believe I have actually made it for this many days in a row without even a nibble.

Tomorrow actually makes it the 1/2 way mark on this first step of the program.  So excited.
Tuesday I will be meeting with the nutritionist with loads of questions and have my hospital
blood work done, then just a matter of waiting till the next Monday for surgery.

I had a pretty miserable day yesterday for most of the day.  My stomach was not wanting to 
cooperate.  I remembered later on, that just about every senerio, websites and facebook pages
on this subjects, says drink more.  

So I downed a couple of glasses of peach tea and water sips in the next hour or so, and it
actually did help.  Perhaps a mind thing too, but I felt better by about 4 or so.

I weighed this morning when I got up and so far in 5 days I have lost 7.5 lbs.  Woo Hoo!
That puts me at 210.4  
Nothing like loosing a bit to make it more motivational.  :)

I have been trying a few new mixtures of this and that so maybe I won't get too bored
with and to find out what I might be open to since cutting out all the other stuff available.

I have actually gotten to the point I like V8 veggie juice.  Not much at a time, but 
beginning to be pretty tasty.  I usually have about 4 oz just before I have my protein
shake so that I feel like that's dinner and the protein shake is dessert.  lol!  I know
it sounds silly.  It's my mind game.  

Today I was reading again for the upteenth time on my list of things I can have,
and it states that I can have oatmeal, grits, and cream of wheat.
Never really cared for oatmeal texture, but after jellos and shakes, might
be worth a try.
I blended the oatmeal so it would be more ground up, then added some splenda and 
cinnamon and fat free milk.  Oh Yumm!!!  Nice and warm something for the tummy.
It was a very happy tummy!

I also added a bit of the chocolate flavored protein shake to it which was even better!!

After that, I made up some banana cream pudding (sf) and thought  it would be an
interesting idea to try puree'ing a banana and adding to it.

Note to self:  pudding doesn't work as well with puree'd stuff added at the beginning.
And although pretty tasty even though runny, tummy didin't like it!!

As we wrap up day 6, my tummy is about to settle from the banana pudding fiasco,
and I still have a protein shake to go before bed.  Then on to day 7.  

Steps are about to officially begin

Jan 14, 2014

I am only a few days away from beginning the process of my 2 weeks full/only liquid diet to head to surgery on February 3rd.  

I have so many thoughts running through my head good, bad, scared, excited, nervous, anxious, and anything else to throw in there too.

I thought it would be a good idea to start putting all my thoughts down on paper - well sort of, since it seems to always help me sort things through better and later on I can look back on where I was and where I am heading.

Happy New Year and my journey is about to get serious!

Happy New Year!  

As 2014 begins, so does my journey to fight my personal monster 
and my schedule is set to take it to the next level.

It has taken what seems like quite a while to get all the ducks in a row to get 
my gastric bypass surgery underway, but it's rolling along now.  

I got all my instructions via email today on when, where and 
what to do in the mean time for pre-op diet of ONLY liquids.

I am getting butterflies now as if a teenager about to go on her first date.  lol!  
I know that's silly, but I have needed and wanted this for so long now 
and it's finally about to happen.  

In spite of all the good, bad and ugly of it all at the beginning, 
I am sooo ready to fight this nasty unhealthy weight monster!

I am about to make the drastic step to gain a very large tool to 
beat this monster over the head and run him off.  

I will keep posted once I get this underway 
and on how the results are beginning to be.  

Steps are progressing. Now just wait.

I didn't get to write this blog post yesterday.  Seems like it's been a bit of a normal zoo around here.  lol!

Larry was able to take off work on Friday so we (along with Haylee) headed to Little Rock to meet with my new Bariatric/Gastric doctor.  

The Dr was fabulous and has a great staff also.  So nice and fun.  Not stuffy as some seem to be.

Anyway, met with Dr.  We discussed all the options available and which would work best personally for me. 

I, along with him quickly rule out the Lap band.  Not enough.  We both consider the Laproscopic Gastric Sleeve.  This has become a good standard which is proving much more succesful than the lap band.

With all my blood glucose numbers being a severe issue in this decision,  we agreed that the Laproscopic Gastric Bypass would be the perfect and necessary option for my best results.  

The techincal name is: Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass.  This procedure is a bit more intense but not the full big bypasses in the past since it's done laproscopic.  

I agreed to the bit larger decision since this one has proven to be the ultimate cure for diabeties.  

So yay, decision made.  Now to work on the setup of when.  

Ugg!  So excited, but yet, it is going to take time as it is more safely and effectively done with 2 surgeons. 

So the scheduling of that is a bit more tricky.  If there is any way to get them together before the 1st of the year, then they will try, but with all the holidays coming up it will be pretty tricky.

So I am looking at right after the first of the year.  Yay!  What a way to kick off that New Year resolution. Was hoping for right away, but this is soo worth the wait.

The dr and nurses said for me to just enjoy eating over the holidays then hit this running.

But with my sugar levels and insulin, meds, etc, I can't enjoy that much with the foods and stay reasonable since I am being so strict, but a little endulgence here and there with a bite or two.  

Then I am sooo ready to hit this and of course it would be fabulous when I get some of the weight off, but I am soooo ready to get back to no or little meds, NO shots, and moving and feeling so much better.  

Can't think of a better Thanksgiving/Christmas/ New Years present for the new year.  :)

Working on steps toward success

11/23 Thursday:

I am gradually working through the steps toward the surgery option I have decided for fighting this war against weight.

Just like any addict, I am going to try to work through it pretty much the same way.

I have checked with my Dr and got the ok to persue this option.

Last week we went to Little Rock to attend a group meeting to see what all is involved in the Gastric surgery procedures that are available and to turn in my paperwork

I have checked with our insurance companies on what the coverages are.

Now to wait.  This is a waiting type elective surgery.  Perhaps to make sure it's not a rush one as it's a permenant one.  Which is fine with me.  I am just more determined than ever with each passing day.

I have spoken with several people about it and all with glowing recommendations.  As a matter of fact, I went to dentist yesterday for checkup and cleaning and the girl that did the cleaning had done the 
laproscopic bypass procedure about 4 yrs ago and was willing to tell me all about the good- bad and ugly sides of it.

I was so impressed with it, I couldn't help but count how long it would be before I might hear from the Little Rock people on setting up the next step.

Well, to my very exciting surprise, I heard from the Little Rock Dr office this morning, and what to do next and a nurse would call this afternoon and would let me know when and where with the next step as I am a very great candidate for the laproscopic gastric sleeve or bypass.  

I had already told the nurse that called this morning that I was sooo ready for this and that if necessary I was ready to start my 2 weeks of pre-surgery liquid diet tomorrow if necessary.  

So, when the 2nd nurse called this afternoon, I was again jumping for joy to know that there is an opening tomorrow for me to actually meet with my Dr and discuss which surgery and when to begin the 2 weeks pre-surgery steps.  

YAY!  On my way Miss Monster.  

I do in fact realize this is only a tool to help me succeed with this war.  And I sooo need that.  Like fighting with a stick vs a machine gun.  Yeah Buddy!!!

With all of this falling into place, I know more than ever this is the direction I am to take.  

I WILL make this work!  

Miss Monster of Weight - you are on notice!!!

Hide if you may . . . 

my ducks are lining up and coming for you!!!

Now what????? How do I fight this monster???

As I wrote in the last blog post, I am to almost a despirate point that I have got to make some very serious life changing decisions as to where I go from here.

This is my monster I have pictured as being my weight monster!

I have a war to win against this guy!

I know my situation with being somewhat confined to home,  and somewhat limited to outings of many types,  (which even grocery shopping is almost a freedom break if there is such a thing while grocery shopping - lol) and nothing in the near future is going to change.

So I have got to figure out how to do that on a limited playing field.

Mind set!  

I have to get my mind set to do something about this weight no matter what it takes - good, bad or ugly!!!

I came home, still in disbelief of how far I had let this truly go with this monster of weight thing.  

With insulin shot in hand and sat there that night in the dark, all alone, just staring at the insulin vile, telling it (out loud I think)
that it would not be around very long!  I WOULD win some how some way.  I am NOT going to be a part of the world out there that has to take this the rest of my life.  I would do something drastic if necessary!

Then it hit me - BOOM!  I need this NOW.  My situation isn't changing, but I have to and I thought of a very sweet sister in law that has been battling this moster also.

She recently had gastric sleeve surgery to get this under control and in a permenant way.

Oh no I can't do that!  

I have always thought I couldn't and wouldn't make such a drastic venture as this!  

But as I set in the dark and poked my stomach for the first time and pushed the button to release the insulin - Oh your darn right I can!!!

I want something as drastic as this surgery to give me a tool that I can work with in a whole new light!  I want something I cannot reverse or just decide to toss to the side like many diet plans.

This is it!  

The answer to kick my butt into major gear and to get my handle on my monster.

The next day - I contacted my sister in law and wanted to know all the details.  I was very impressed.  She gave me the info and as soon as I mentioned it to hubby, he instantly said - we will figure out a way to get this done if this is what you want.  Yes I do.  So he jumped on it with insurance, etc and got even more details for me.

Within a couple of days I had signed up for the next available orientation of what is all involved with the procedures.  

Just a couple of weeks later, I head to Little Rock for the first conference.

Yay!  I have my mind made up - remember that monster?  I have wiped her nose off and heading to seeing appointments to get the ball rolling to clean up her/my act!

Just like any addict that has ever been known, I have my hiding places for this and that and the other of bites of candy, etc, that I keep hidden for those weak moments.  I have always been a sweet eater for as long as I can remember.

I have learned to pretty much give all them up but still have those lil secret stash places.  They are about empty.  I will finish tossing those soon.  Dollars spent or not - they are drugs of a type.  A drug that I am having a life threatening reacting to!!

I am NOT going to feed this monster any longer!!!

I kwon the war of the smoking monster (which was NOT easy) in 2005 which I guess got this started, or just an excuse to get this started perhaps.

NO more excuses!!!

I have printed a pic of my monster to hang on my fridge.  I want to never forget this creature who I have allowed to silently steal MY life.  

Fighting a loosing war. Now what?

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything relating to my journey of weight vs. health issues.  

And not in a good way.  

Muttling along as usual, as I guess most people do. Just doing enough with the eathing good/bad, but NOT going in the right direction, but not really gaining either.

I haven't really lost any in the past year.  Pretty much holding my own with the battle of the scales, but then again, it the the war of the weight issues, my health has been affected over time of being very overweight, I presume.

About a year ago, my blood work numbers were messed up but mainly due to the sugar related stuff.  I jumped back on track and worked really hard on the no carb thing and seriously dropped the sugar replacement stuff that I was consuming as it was a LOT!

I dropped a little bit of weight and blood work numbers looked better.  So, maintain really good for a while, but those pesky monster blood work numbers gradually rising back up.  My weight stayed about the same.

A couple of months ago, I started feeling extra everything. Extremely more tired, more miserable than ever, headaches regularly, lower back and upper back and everything in between becoming more uncomfortable, hip acting up from a fall several years ago, resulting in dislocating, along with just plain ole miserable.

I kept checking my glucose, and it would NOT budge. I was seriously being super great with the carbs, but the glucose would not move downward at all.  After a few days, started freaking me out just a bit.  I think I could feel ever number that kept showing up on my meter when testing.

It was as I was taking no meds at all and eating whatever, but I was being super good by this point.

Finally miserable enough and numbers not moving on glucose meter, I went to my Dr, which is so understanding but yet has known me for so long, can read me inside and out - (lol - litterily I guess.)

Instantly ordered full fasting everything blood work and since I already knew my blood sugar levels were through the roof with no amounts of cutbacks helping, I knew what I was in for, but still hated to hear that one word, which to me means - failure in my ability to control this diabetic/weight/blood pressure issue.

When the blood work came back - UGG!
Talk about hit like a brick wall.  

Even though I knew what it would be, to be told that Insulin was a MUST now along with being close to stroke levels on some of my blood work numbers was so very hard but at the same time a relief that I guess I sort of needed to know that I could get this a little under control - maybe.  

So with close monitoring, I began and slowly increased the insulin shots (only one a day and now 30 units per shot), got a grip on the numbers for my blood sugar.  

Feeling better?  Yes and no.  Several factors I know have to be much better.  But with the dosages I have to take of my meds - Ugg.  I think perhaps my body is not liking them any more and definitely NOT liking me.

I am to the point - I will do ANYTHING it takes to get this done!!  Drastic as may need to be - good- bad - or ugly I want this under control!!!

Sure I, myself along with everyone else out there that is human, wants to be thin or even somewhat thin and wear normal size clothing.  

But this is much more than that!  I want to feel better!!  I want to once again not be embarrassed when out in public and always wonder how big I look! 

I have usually looked at this for my loved ones which I would give the world for, but not for myself.  Well, now finally this is for ME. 

I have in recent months years, even started slacking on all of those measures to take care of my very special little family, whom I would give th world for, but since I have such a yuck feeling just about every minute of every day.

As for my special lil family, I am so very blessed to be married to one of the most supportive, special man I have ever met, whom would give me the world to be happy, who is also my very best friend, my confidaunt, and companion. 

I was so very blessed to have the opportunity to have given birth to a very special, beautiful, successful daughter who is now on her own.

My husband and I are raising a very special precious granddaughter whom is 7 and SUPER full of life and we are homeschooling her full time.  (who I swear is an exact clone of hubby, in a cute lil girl body).

Also, I am fortunate to have my 83 yr old mother that is living with us, who has advancing dementia and has to have someone close about all the time now.  

I guess some would call pretty demanding in many ways.  It was a huge change for all of us as these things were added and progressed to their current statuses.  

Which I guess contributed to a lot of stress and which I am a stress eater, a happy eater, an entertainment eater, a sad eater, rain or shine eater.  Mainly sweets, carbs etc.  Which I have learned to do without or strongly limit, but in all of this situation, I have always had issues with weight off and on just like many others do.  I have never been this overweight and have even lost all the excess weight a couple of times but with each time - end up larger than previously.

I am very limited to time to work set aside just for exercising for myself.  Which I will quickly admit I hate anyway, so doesn't take much to draw my attention to something else to have to tend to first.  

I am trying really hard to change some focus and try to re-arrange a few priorities to fight this monster! 

So just like many Oprah and Dr. Phil shows I have watched and totally agree with, I have to love and care for ME before I can take better care of my adorable supportive husband, daughter, granddaughter, my mom, etc.  
Not this I will do get to that later syndrome I feel like I have created.  

So for my many mental challenges ahead - I want to note to myself all the reasons that I need to get a grip on the weight thing.  

He (I am going to say she/it needs a name.  Not a nasty name, just a name that will be unusual for the pic of the Zicam monster image to use for now of my monster.

I will work on that name for later reference and to have in mind when I think of food/weight/life.

I want to work on cleaning it/her up, and hopefully feeling a LOT better than I currently feel which is about as nasty and miserable as this creature but to be ME once again.

But how - where to start that I haven't already fought and lost the small battles with?

When I quit smoking in 2005, I had already put some weight back on and told myself not to substitute food, but guess what - that didn't last.

I think I will start with a challenge list of what's and why's I so strongly and despirately need to win.

Here are some of the things I am working on for the fight with my monster are:

• #1 Total overall health
• No more pricks to check blood sugar
• NO MORE INSULIN
• No more blood pressure meds
• No more depression meds
• Quality of life to improve
• Easier/better movement
• Not being miserable from being sweating hot all the time, (even in winter)
• Not cronic feeling of being so tired and run down
• Not missing out on going on outings because of being so large or hot all the time.
• Not wearing mens 3x shirts almost all the time
• Feet - Back - Knees - Hip - Head not hurting nearly all the time!
• Happier with myself at being successful at something again.
• I am missing out of feeling good enough to get out and enjoy the little things in life.  (even though limited to staying home a lot - still pass up so much)
• Even so many small things way too numerous to write are so very important!!!
• MY LIFE!  

My battle after battle after battle with this diabetis, blood pressure, and so much more is like fighting constant ugly moster battles and loosing the over all war of staying healthy.  

That is about to STOP!!  

I want my control back!!!

Some how, some way, no matter what the 

necessary measure is - I want to win this dam war!  

Now what?????