Thursday, November 21, 2013

Fighting a loosing war. Now what?

It's been quite a while since I wrote anything relating to my journey of weight vs. health issues.  

And not in a good way.  

Muttling along as usual, as I guess most people do. Just doing enough with the eathing good/bad, but NOT going in the right direction, but not really gaining either.

I haven't really lost any in the past year.  Pretty much holding my own with the battle of the scales, but then again, it the the war of the weight issues, my health has been affected over time of being very overweight, I presume.

About a year ago, my blood work numbers were messed up but mainly due to the sugar related stuff.  I jumped back on track and worked really hard on the no carb thing and seriously dropped the sugar replacement stuff that I was consuming as it was a LOT!

I dropped a little bit of weight and blood work numbers looked better.  So, maintain really good for a while, but those pesky monster blood work numbers gradually rising back up.  My weight stayed about the same.

A couple of months ago, I started feeling extra everything. Extremely more tired, more miserable than ever, headaches regularly, lower back and upper back and everything in between becoming more uncomfortable, hip acting up from a fall several years ago, resulting in dislocating, along with just plain ole miserable.

I kept checking my glucose, and it would NOT budge. I was seriously being super great with the carbs, but the glucose would not move downward at all.  After a few days, started freaking me out just a bit.  I think I could feel ever number that kept showing up on my meter when testing.

It was as I was taking no meds at all and eating whatever, but I was being super good by this point.

Finally miserable enough and numbers not moving on glucose meter, I went to my Dr, which is so understanding but yet has known me for so long, can read me inside and out - (lol - litterily I guess.)

Instantly ordered full fasting everything blood work and since I already knew my blood sugar levels were through the roof with no amounts of cutbacks helping, I knew what I was in for, but still hated to hear that one word, which to me means - failure in my ability to control this diabetic/weight/blood pressure issue.

When the blood work came back - UGG!

Talk about hit like a brick wall.  

Even though I knew what it would be, to be told that Insulin was a MUST now along with being close to stroke levels on some of my blood work numbers was so very hard but at the same time a relief that I guess I sort of needed to know that I could get this a little under control - maybe.  

So with close monitoring, I began and slowly increased the insulin shots (only one a day and now 30 units per shot), got a grip on the numbers for my blood sugar.  

Feeling better?  Yes and no.  Several factors I know have to be much better.  But with the dosages I have to take of my meds - Ugg.  I think perhaps my body is not liking them any more and definitely NOT liking me.

I am to the point - I will do ANYTHING it takes to get this done!!  Drastic as may need to be - good- bad - or ugly I want this under control!!!

Sure I, myself along with everyone else out there that is human, wants to be thin or even somewhat thin and wear normal size clothing.  

But this is much more than that!  I want to feel better!!  I want to once again not be embarrassed when out in public and always wonder how big I look! 

I have usually looked at this for my loved ones which I would give the world for, but not for myself.  Well, now finally this is for ME. 

I have in recent months years, even started slacking on all of those measures to take care of my very special little family, whom I would give th world for, but since I have such a yuck feeling just about every minute of every day.

As for my special lil family, I am so very blessed to be married to one of the most supportive, special man I have ever met, whom would give me the world to be happy, who is also my very best friend, my confidaunt, and companion. 

I was so very blessed to have the opportunity to have given birth to a very special, beautiful, successful daughter who is now on her own.

My husband and I are raising a very special precious granddaughter whom is 7 and SUPER full of life and we are homeschooling her full time.  (who I swear is an exact clone of hubby, in a cute lil girl body).

Also, I am fortunate to have my 83 yr old mother that is living with us, who has advancing dementia and has to have someone close about all the time now.  

I guess some would call pretty demanding in many ways.  It was a huge change for all of us as these things were added and progressed to their current statuses.  

Which I guess contributed to a lot of stress and which I am a stress eater, a happy eater, an entertainment eater, a sad eater, rain or shine eater.  Mainly sweets, carbs etc.  Which I have learned to do without or strongly limit, but in all of this situation, I have always had issues with weight off and on just like many others do.  I have never been this overweight and have even lost all the excess weight a couple of times but with each time - end up larger than previously.

I am very limited to time to work set aside just for exercising for myself.  Which I will quickly admit I hate anyway, so doesn't take much to draw my attention to something else to have to tend to first.  

I am trying really hard to change some focus and try to re-arrange a few priorities to fight this monster! 

So just like many Oprah and Dr. Phil shows I have watched and totally agree with, I have to love and care for ME before I can take better care of my adorable supportive husband, daughter, granddaughter, my mom, etc.  
Not this I will do get to that later syndrome I feel like I have created.  

So for my many mental challenges ahead - I want to note to myself all the reasons that I need to get a grip on the weight thing.  

He (I am going to say she/it needs a name.  Not a nasty name, just a name that will be unusual for the pic of the Zicam monster image to use for now of my monster.

I will work on that name for later reference and to have in mind when I think of food/weight/life.

I want to work on cleaning it/her up, and hopefully feeling a LOT better than I currently feel which is about as nasty and miserable as this creature but to be ME once again.

But how - where to start that I haven't already fought and lost the small battles with?

When I quit smoking in 2005, I had already put some weight back on and told myself not to substitute food, but guess what - that didn't last.

I think I will start with a challenge list of what's and why's I so strongly and despirately need to win.

Here are some of the things I am working on for the fight with my monster are:

  • #1 Total overall health
  • No more pricks to check blood sugar
  • No more blood pressure meds
  • No more depression meds
  • Quality of life to improve
  • Easier/better movement
  • Not being miserable from being sweating hot all the time, (even in winter)
  • Not cronic feeling of being so tired and run down
  • Not missing out on going on outings because of being so large or hot all the time.
  • Not wearing mens 3x shirts almost all the time
  • Feet - Back - Knees - Hip - Head not hurting nearly all the time!
  • Happier with myself at being successful at something again.
  • I am missing out of feeling good enough to get out and enjoy the little things in life.  (even though limited to staying home a lot - still pass up so much)
  • Even so many small things way too numerous to write are so very important!!!
  • MY LIFE!  

My battle after battle after battle with this diabetis, blood pressure, and so much more is like fighting constant ugly moster battles and loosing the over all war of staying healthy.  

That is about to STOP!!  

I want my control back!!!

Some how, some way, no matter what the 
necessary measure is - I want to win this dam war!  

Now what?????

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